Glad to be corrected if I’m wrong, but best I can tell, none of the Democratic presidential candidates have yet made an issue about the fact that the conservative craze for deregulation and defunding government has poisoned our children’s toychests. Only the voters are doing that. And who wants to listen to voters?

As one of them recently wrote me:

I went to a large independent toy store in Denver to buy a gift for the Felstein’s 15 month old granddaughter. I really wanted to buy a doll. Since I refuse to buy anything from China if possible, the first thing I asked the 3 sales associates in the customer-empty store was what could I buy for a toddler girl that wasn’t made in China. They actually had compiled a list that they had trouble finding. When they finally found it it was only a half page long. It included no dolls and in fact the only toys of substance (not counting some balls and tiny cars) were all Playmobile toys which were made in Malta. So I bought the only 2 appropriate Playmobile sets and went on my way. How can these toy stores stay in business now?

Good question. So is this one: how can the Democrats stay in business if they don’t start shouting from the rooftops that if you keeping voting for conservatives, our nation’s only defense against child-killing toys is the mighty island nation of Malta.

Some of you may have seen or read about the astonishing hearings Dick Durbin’s Senate Finance subcommittee held on toy safety on September 12. Consumer Product Safety Commissioner Thomas Moore blurped, “It has taken years for the commission to get to its present position and it will take years to correct.” Excuse me? Given the will, it would take weeks to correct. Just double the budget and double the staff. CPSC chairwoman Nancy Nord—I’ve written about this master spinmistress before, doyenne of the E. coli conservative revolving door; after serving as chief lobbyist for Kodak, she became chief lobbyist for corporate defense lawyers, and then director of consumer affairs for the U.S. Chamber of Commerce—delivered herself of the tongue-tied performance excerpted above. (I had the URL for an even more damning YouTube snippet, and learned to my astonishment that it had been removed for a “terms of use violation”.)

The dramatic highlight, though, was the image of the CPSC’s single toy tester—“Bob’s our small parts guy,” Nord said with affection—dropping toys on the ground to see if any choke-inducing small parts issued forth.

Have no fear! China’s on the case. “On Tuesday, China signed an agreement to prohibit the use of lead paint on toys exported to the U.S.” Apparently toy buyers from the other 199 nations ’round the globe are sh*t out of luck.

Have no fear! Dick Durbin promises an immediately effort to increase the CSPC’s budget by 11 percent. Which sounds awfully lovely. But as I pointed out last time, the existing budget—$63 million—covers about as much as the compensation package of the top four or so CEOs of CSPC-regulated companies, so are we supposed to jump for joy when it covers four and a half? They’ve only got 400 employees. Why should a progressive senator rest until they have at least the 800 they had in 1974?

Have no fear! Sam Brownback will save us. The subcommittee’s top Republican, the presidential candidate from Kansas, swooped down to blame the real enemy: “‘Made in China’ has now become a warning label…and it’s got to stop”—a handsome little bit of E. coli conservative misdirection indeed, given that American companies own, or jointly own, the factories, and thus, under the Pottery Barn rule, are responsible for the lead-paint poisoning they propagate. That’s why, in 2001, they changed their name from the “Toy Manufacturers Association” to the “Toy Industry Association”: they want to pretend they’re not manufacturers any more. They’re just brand-distributors. But as Rick Newman of U.S. News usefully reports, their attempts to dislcaim responsibility don’t pass the smell test. “Successful importers like British department store chain Marks & Spencer and Dutch electronics giant Phillips are well known for relentlessly checking and testing products while they’re still on the assembly line—instead of relying on others to test, or waiting until products have already been shipped.”

Too much for Mattel to handle, apparently…until now…because…

Have no fear! Corporations to the rescue! “In recent days, the Toy Industry Association has expressed support for congressional efforts to impose mandatory safety-testing standards… ‘We support legislation shortening the time frames during the period between identification of a problem and the eventual recall of that product,’ [chairman Jerry Storch of Toys ‘r’ Us] said. ‘We are troubled by the possibility that we could be continuing to sell toys that someone knows may have a problem, while we remain unaware until we receive word that a recall is coming.'”

Surprise, surprise: that’s another fine little hustle the E. coli conservatives have devised. Begging—begging!—for new regulations! How public-spirited! But, as E. Marla Felcher pointed out in Slate, “The reason so many toys were recalled this summer is not that there weren’t enough regulations. It’s that toy makers were ignoring the regulations that are already on the books. And the new testing proposal won’t stop them from continuing to do so.”

Examples? “Curious George spinning tops, recalled last month for their high levels of lead, were on the market for six years before anyone noticed the problem. More than 1.5 million Thomas the Tank Engine toy trains were sold over 18 months before they were recalled for excessive lead.”

Here’s another reason they love the idea of certain kinds of new regulations: “Mandating third-party testing drives up production costs, which helps large companies like Mattel and hurts small toy makers—particularly those sporting ‘Made in America’ labels.” The Slate writer quotes one family-owned U.S. manufacturer: “if Mattel and Hasbro and others band together to impose a mandatory testing process that would cost me a lot of money, I would just fold up and go away.”

That’s why Big Con reader above—call her “Mom,” since she’s, well, my mom–won’t find more non-Chinese toys on the shelves any time soon.

New rule: these days there are some things so obvious it takes a a comedian—not a Democratic presidential candidate—to point them out: “American consumers have been learning a shocking lesson about supply and demand: if you demand products that don’t cost anything, people will make them out of poison, mud and shit…. Now, believe me, I was devastated when Mattel recalled almost everything in my Barbie Dream Closet. Although I had suspected something when Ken discovered a lump on his testicle.”

Thanks, Bill Maher. Now get on the stick, John, Barack, and Hillary.